Wednesday, May 23, 2012

With a Thankful Heart

Baby Lori Posing Beside the Coffee Table
Circa 1961

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

I don't really recall the awkward, wavering baby steps I took as a toddler, but a faint mark above my brow line reminds me of where I stumbled into the corner of the coffee table and cut open the skin.

Baby steps. Tiny, shaky, trembling steps eventually leading to confident moves. Ballerina leaps, pole vault jumps, and Kentucky Derby speed-racing down the sidewalk.

I am a toddler again. 

Give thanks from a grateful heart, my soul implores.

Thanks? For the death of my son?

No. Never!

It has taken me four months and a painful emotional journey, but in the past two weeks I have taken a turn for better once I understood the message of my soul.

With a thankful heart, I bless God for GIVING me 27 years with my son.

I am grateful. I am thankful.

I'm learning to walk again. If you see me occassionally stumble, forgive me and help me pull myself up. I know I have some new scars, but I will figure this out with my Father's help.
Thank you, Lord, for holding my hand as I learn to walk again.

Saturday, May 12, 2012


My Beautiful Children and Me

Ephesians 6: 2-3 NIV
“Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise— that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

I rounded the hallway corner and stepped into my livingroom only to stop short to absorb the scene. A dozen of my dearest friends and family members were seated in a horseshoe on various chairs gathered from around the house. Others sat on the sofa. All were somber and silent and glanced up as I came into the room.

I felt the need to lighten the mood so began to quip: "What's wrong with everyone? You look like someone died!"  I swallowed the words.  Russell had just died. Oops! How had I repressed that?  Guess I was in denial. 

I still am at times.

Mother's Day is tomorrow, and I am fighting various emotions ranging from anger to sorrow.  Russell has intruded into my dreams this weekend, and all of them make me sad when I awake.

However, this is a weekend to pay tribute to our mothers, and I am blessed to have had a good one, who is always there when I need her.  I love her very much.

Allison is a wonderful daughter to me, and she continues to hover over me keeping a close eye on me. She and I have grown closer since January as we have leaned on each other to get through our grief.

I am proud to be her mother.  I am proud to have been Russell's mother. However, I have learned this year that sometimes mothers have to let go of a child even when they don't want to. I still have within me the need to protect Russell. That is the theme of each sad dream.  However, it is too late for me to help him.  I can, however, still look after my little Allison. Just like my mom tries to look after me.

Motherhood is not a job for the faint-hearted. It is a job for all time. It never ends, even with death.

Dear Lord, bless all mothers and their children each and every day.